Monday, August 18, 2014

She Should Be Here

I am scooping salsa out of the jar with a fork when the tears start rolling down my cheeks. I taste the saltiness on my lips. I am crying about Christmas. Sobbing, really. It will be our first one without Mom. Though it is only August my worry eats away at me..from the inside out. I have not been "home" in the seven months since Mom died. It just is not possible to travel thirteen hundred and thirty-three miles now. My vacation and sick time were all used up during her last Christmas here on this earth. FMLA allowed me to be there during her last days, hours and minutes. 

I do not know if I can walk through their door again--knowing she won't be there offering me a cold coke before my suitcase touches the ground. In the days following her death it was comforting to be there. To see the chair where she took her last breath and was finally free from pain. To wrap myself in the soft blankets that had warmed me during the many nights when I sat beside her watching endless Law & Order episodes as we waited to offer her the next round of meds. The roll of half eaten Rolos on the tv tray that held necessities. I do not remember her ever eating Rolos before. She use to dole out M & Ms to the grandkids. She ate many a Snickers bar but one time during that last month she asked for Rolos. She rarely asked for anything during her lifetime and as she was dying we were desperate to fullfill any request. 

Dad is here now-spending ten days with us. He is building desks, shooting hoops with the boys and helping us settle in to our new home. It is a joyous time but devastastingly heartbreaking too. I keep thinking she should be here. Wishing like hell these last eight months were a a nightmare I could wake up from. She should be here to see her long-legged only granddaughter head off to middle school, to talk NBA basketball and World Cup Soccer with her oldest grandson, to put together legos with her brown-eyed, brown haired grandson.

Is missing her always going to hurt this much?

Tuesday, August 12, 2014


It has been two weeks since I FINALLY bit the bullet and upgraded to a smart phone and I am still trying to figure out how to use it. Seconds before a friend and kids arrived this morning to go walking I got a FaceBook notification. It took several slides of my finger to open the damn thing up only to discover it was a post to a friends wall by someone I did not even know. It had a strange quality about it...'I'll miss you and I'll miss your daily updates about your girls, your family and your life."

I felt the gaping hole of unknown tragedy.

"Did something happen to Lisa?" I frantically texted my sister 1254 miles away. 

I had known her twenty years and in a six degrees of separation scenario my sister started working with Lisa barely a year ago.

I know something is horribly wrong I tell my friend as we start walking in my new neighborhood trying to keep up with our bicycle riding kids.

My phone rings and I know without looking that it's my sister. She is at Urgent Care with her son.

"I just found out" she says.

"Our boss tried to call me earlier. We know she died. We know she had a heart attack. That's all we know."

Her birthday was sixteen days after mine. Lisa was 43. Her baby is suppose to start kindergarten this week. Instead she will be going to her mother's funeral.

Friday, August 1, 2014


thinking: I should be packing or cleaning or doing something productive.

enjoying: a few minutes of downtime

feeling: exhausted, overwhelmed, fortunate

wearing: black gym shorts and  an orange Oklahoma City Thunder t-shirt

needing: motivation and energy

wanting: answers

listening: to whatever Disney show the kids are watching

making: mental to-do lists

enjoying: summer

eating: pepperoni and bacon pizza

drinking : ice cold coca-cola

What about you?