Friday, August 1, 2014

Thinking


thinking: I should be packing or cleaning or doing something productive.


enjoying: a few minutes of downtime


feeling: exhausted, overwhelmed, fortunate


wearing: black gym shorts and  an orange Oklahoma City Thunder t-shirt


needing: motivation and energy

wanting: answers

listening: to whatever Disney show the kids are watching

making: mental to-do lists

enjoying: summer


eating: pepperoni and bacon pizza


drinking : ice cold coca-cola

What about you?



Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Exhausted

 I sit here in the dark hoping to exhale long enough to catch a quick nap but knowing sleep will continue to avoid me no matter how desperate I am. In a few days when I am crying, bug eyed and sleep deprived I will allow myself to swallow the little pill that brings me a smidgen of relief. 

It was 5:26 am on Saturday and the excruciating pain woke me from a fitful sleep. Pain radiating from my left side- another damn migraine. My throat was filled with shards of broken glass. If Big Yankee had been home I would have found my way to the emergency room. This from the girl of the high pain tolerance. But I couldn't drive and did not want to freak out the kids so I swallowed some Tylenol and Ibuprofen and placed an ice cold washcloth on my head. 

When the kids woke up and I could see a little straighter I headed to the Urgent Care Clinic--convinced I'd gotten strep throat from one of work encounters earlier in the week. A few questions later the on-call doctor suspects sleep apnea. I leave with an order for an overnight oximetry machine and a negative rapid strep result. On a good night I sleep in ninety minute intervals with hours in between. been an issue but gotten worse over the years. I figured stress and grief and school and work and momming and wifeing was to blame. I am use to waking up suddenly with a pounding headache and a spinning room. Maybe the neighbors roosters were at fault? But they are gone now. Nothing left except an empty house and an overgrown yard. 

Last night was no different even with the flashing red lights that kept constant watch over my oxygen levels and heart rate. 

I just want some answers. and some sleep.

Joining Heather for Just Write.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Afraid

Once upon a time, a great many years ago I started a blog. This Blog to be exact. My life was turned upside down and I felt like I was going to explode and I didn't want to talk about it so I wrote. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote. And although I had been on Twitter for awhile I finally GOT IT. I discovered the most amazing blogs, and wonderful people and I didn't feel as utterly lost and disconnected. When I first started I wrote EVERY SINGLE DAY. I could not NOT write. There were even times I posted twice a day. It helped me maintain my sanity and it gave me something to look forward to as I tried to sell our house and raise our kids and maintain a marriage when Big Yankee lived 1231 miles away.

Somewhere along the way the omnipotent Blogging People said not to write every day. They said writing and posting less often would actually increase blog traffic. I gave it a whirl though I kept writing daily and had a bulging drafts folder. It was rare that I was at a loss for words. Then life-and death happened and I have written very little these last months. I want nothing more than to write it all out but I am afraid. I am afraid to open the floodgates. I am afraid of falling apart and not being able to put myself back together again. I am afraid that once I start crying I will never stop. But I owe it to myself and my mom to get thru this. And I will. 


Have you ever been afraid to write? How did you get thru it?