Just trying to help a Motha out

Happy 1st blogoversary to the Amazing Alison and Ado! This is my gift to them...a favorite post!

Dear Annoying, Aggressive, Attention starved, Hooker Barbie,


For reasons I will never understand ,YOU signed up for a parent PARTICIPATION preschool program. For those vocabulary challenged folks participate is defined as: to take part, be or become actively involved in, share. As stated in the program handbook, parents attend with their child and act as their own child's teacher during center-based learning time. Clearly you are having great difficulty understanding this.


Let me see if I can break it down in words you can understand.You sitting in a chair and flirting with the Baby Daddy next to you (and not your Baby Daddy), sinking your perfectly manicured fingers into his flabby biceps, leaning into him with your twin peaks about to escape, while my adorable, precious, innocent four year old is trying to talk is NOT PARTICIPATION. Just because my son is showing his stuffed puppy at show and tell does not mean that you need to show yours!

You texting on your fancy shmancy, glammed up cellphone, disrupting calender time to slink out of your chair (while the rest of us moms sit on the floor criss cross applesauce hands in our laps) with your juicy bootilicious sweats, shaking your tail feathers for Baby Daddy (again please try to remember he is not YOUR Baby Daddy) and loudly sucking down your Diet Pepsi and doing 43 kinds of inappropriate with your straw, while your kid jumps up and down on the carpet whining and crying "I want soda! Give me some of your soda!" You loudly hissing at her "Shh..now pay attention. Don't be rude!" Again NOT PARTICIPATION.This, my trampy attention whore, is called hypocrisy.


*I do have a bit of phone lust though.

While I am at it, I'm going to offer you a little smidge of fashion advice because I am bitchy, judgmental, opinionated generous like that. Sporting a skin tight white tank top over your brightly colored Victoria Secret Very Sexy Seduction push up bra with gel curve is super duper HAWT if you are a waitress at Hooters, popping out of a cake, gyrating around a pole or consider pasties an office supplies. But it is 37 degrees outside and you are in a preschool classroom! Put those things away before you  poke someone's eye out.

Yes, it's true I am jealous that you can drink all the free wine you want at the wine bar where you work (and which you manage to to work into  EVERY. SINGLE. CONVERSATION) but maybe you could refrain from discussing it at the playdough table where some of us are trying to interact with our children? Either that or bring wine for all the moms! 

Also you don't have to tell us EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. that noon is extremely early for you and we are lucky that you make it there each week. Quite honestly I don't feel all that lucky.


Here's another tip, don't act completely surprised when we engage in extremely rigorous physical activity such as playing Duck, Duck, Goose, Simon Says and doing the Hokey Pokey (I know the Pokey pokey is more your style). 

We do it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. 


They remind us EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. about THE grant.


Also, puh-leez, please stop faking some injury (owww my foot!) claiming you have no idea what you did or how you did it and yammering on about it loud enough so that everyone within a three mile radius hears your woe-is me tale.  You pass your kid off to one of the teachers when it is time to move a muscle and you continue to piss and moan about this not being what you signed up for. Let's say it together now-NOT PARTICIPATION. Those poor women teach 2 sessions a day and they have children older than you. Woman up and play with your kid!


One last thing, you know those projects at the art center? They are for the CHILDREN. You know that clingy little, hair bow sporting 39 inch tall accessory you toddler & tiara up each week? That would be your child. The one who is suppose to be doing the art project. For the love of glitter, give her the damn scissors! I am afraid you might pop something. Also your cutting and pasting skills are not what Baby Daddy (again STILL not your baby daddy) is staring at.

My dear friend, I hope you find this to be a valuable tool in understanding parent participation preschool.


MWUAH! Loves ya,


Robbie


P.S. Let me know when you want to meet you @ work so you can pour me free wine. I <3 my new BFF!


P.S.S. If you even blink at my baby daddy (also known as my husband) your nine inch Come to Bed Red nails are going to be used against you as a lethal weapon.