I am Resigning!

August has flown by. The kids and I spent much of the month in the land of tornados and waving wheat. It was full of wacky adventures including a tree crashing through the roof of my parents' living room at 2:30 am during a torrential downpour. The upside is they'll get a new roof. The downside is the living room won't be habitable for 2+ months.

The Denver airport has it in for us and tried to hold us captive. I wanted to plant a sloppy wet kiss on the cheek of  the fabulous agent at Gate 34 who put us on standby ahead of several crew members. We arrived home six hours later than scheduled and had to hit the ground running. Big Yankee hightailed it out of here five days later to visit his family on the East Coast.

Though I am very accustomed to solo parenting it made working quite complicated as we don't have child care. I was able to work for home quite a bit but it takes five times as long with the constant interruptions and tattling, and requests and complaints. After a particularly difficult day I felt like walking off the job. Thanks to the amazing internet I found a variety of sample resignation letters which I adapted to fit my needs.

Here's where I need your help: Which one should I turn in to the three tyrants that call be mom?

LETTER #1
From:
Robbie AKA Mom
Brink Of, Insanity

To:
My Children

Casa de Loco
Time Out, TX

August 26, 2013

Dear Children,

Please accept my resignation as your mom at Casa de Loco. My last day will be August 27, 2013.

You have fought me tooth and nail on every SINGLE thing.  You have been highly oppositional over the years, and the administration has been difficult to work with. I hope you each have one child exactly like yourself & she MUST be named Karma.

If I can be of any assistance, please continue to ignore me as you have today.

Sincerely yours,

Mom

LETTER #2
Dear Offspring:

The purpose of this resignation letter is to inform you that I will be leaving my position as your mom effective August 29, 2013.  I will be relocating to an all inclusive resort at an undisclosed location.

I have been under appreciated during my tenure as your parent. The near daily opportunities to lose my mind that you provided to me during the last several years has diminished my mental capacity.

Please DO NOT let me know if I can be of assistance during the transition. You cannot reach me by screaming, throwing epic tantrums, phone, text, Twitter or any other form of communication.

Sincerely,
Your Momma

LETTER #3
Dear Kids Who Informed Me "You're not the Boss of me!"

I'm thrilled to inform you that soon your statement will be correct as I am resigning.

I have been waiting since the first "You are the meanest Mommy in the world!" to inform you that I’m relinquishing my position. We've been at odds since you adamantly started shouting NO to every SINGLE word I uttered. Based on your recent criticism of my work you should be relieved.

I am tendering my resignation effective immediately and I’m heading for the open road. I abandoned the minivan and found a sassy red convertible specially treated to repel Goldfish, fruit roll ups, dirty socks, missing shoes and homework. It comes equipped with GPS pre-programmed with all Target and liquor stores in the world.

I know you would like me to help you with a transition, but I refuse to make it easier on you. Just think of it as my way returning the favor. Have fun figuring out how to cook, run the dishwasher, hitchhike to playdates, make clean clothes magically appear in your closet.

I’m sure you’d like to have a going away party for me. But I'd be expected to plan it, pay for it, set it up, and clean it up so I'll take a pass.

Don’t worry about writing me a reference as I am bailing on this mom business. A career change is exactly what I need. I don't need no stinkin' references! 

See ya,

The Woman Formerly Known as Mom

LETTER #4
Dear Children,

I am writing to inform you of my resignation effective immediately. The last ten years I have spent working for you have been exhausting and thankless and I see no reason to continue since you all know infinitely more than I do and remind me of it numerous times a day.

Please send my final paycheck to fully staffed Italian villa.

Cheers,

Your Mom