Adventures in renewing a driver's license aka driving around BFE Kansas

The other day In early August I may or may not have received a postcard reminding me that my driver's license was set to expire at the end of September. I had just returned from a 21 day, 11 state, 5,000 mile road trip with Big Yankee and 3 monkeys....renewing a driver's license didn't exactly skyrocket to the top of my crap I like to write down to make me appear productive and important  to do list.

I may or may not have been a bit focused on preparing for Big Yankee's move across country and avoiding starring in a Hoarders episode preparing our house for sale. I put it in the important pile next to the phone which was eventually transferred to the to deal with pile on my dresser. Through some intense prioritizing and time management skills the postcard got shoved in the top drawer of the nightstand during the oh shit we have a house showing in 15 minutes  paper downsizing project of 2011.

Three months and an expired driver's license later I decided to take the bull by the horns.

Step one of this process consisted of  posting my dilemma on FriendwhoreBook Facebook. Having lived in the Land of Oz for six years I was quite the expert utterly clueless where one goes to attend to this type of business. Lucky for me, my gainfully employed friends were wasting time and money on personal business able to tear themselves away from Extrememly. Important. Projects. to provide me with pertinent information.

Anyone who knows me is very aware that I have no sense of direction. I do not speak North, South, East and West. There are days I barely get right and left. I am a landmark direction person. And even then I have a helluva time. I need to know things like "there's a Target on the right and an Olive Garden on the left. It is between Great Clips and Famous Footwear. If you end up at Old Navy you have gone too far."

Also if I am not the person driving I will have NO memory whatsoever of how to get to specific location. ZILCH. NADA. It's like I wasn't even there. Case in point, my sister has lived on the same ranch for 15 years and I have been there hundreds of times. However in the past six years I have never actually been captain of the Quest and driven to or from her cow pastures and wheat fields. On Thanksgiving I had to rely on my 4 year old nephew to direct me "in to town". During the hour drive to my parents house (where they have lived since 1986) it's possible I sought reassurance from my nephew more than seven hundred times once.

I was a little concernd about going on the last day of the month figuring all the slackers extremely organized people would be there. However several local people assured me that there woud not be a wait. I heard numerous stories of people walking in at 5:00 and being out the door by 5:07.

I got exact directions from my house to the office and yet I still couldn't find it! And so begins the first wave of panic.

There wasn't a strip mall on the left hand side as my friend had said so I was sure she goofed and meant it was on the right. I pulled into EVERY SINGLE strip mall on the right and didn't see anything slightly resembling a place one could renew their seriously expired license. It was then I realized I didn't actually KNOW the name of the place I was trying to find so I couldn't saunter into some gas station and ask directions. I fired off a desperate text and she gave me the EXACT address...said it was at the end of a small strip mall where it jutted out a bit.

It was then I realized I was not on the correct cross street but I was so flustered and turned around I didn't know my arse from my elbow. So I did what any sane person would do- I called Big Yankee. So what that he is living five states away and more than 1200 miles? He would certainly be able to tell me how to get there despite the fact that I didn't really know where I was or where I was going.


After describing my surroundings (kinda sounds like I am lost in the woods doesn't it?) he was able to set me straight and I arrived at my final destination in less than five minutes.  The line was out the door...at least an hour and a half wait and the stench wafted to my open car windows. Apparently the majority people in line were of the showering is optional mindset. With just over an hour until StinkBug had to be at school there was no way I was going to be able to do both. I did what any sane responsible person would do and said screw it. I have been driving with an expired license for a few months now what's another couple of days?

It is possible extremely likely that I got lost on the way back home. If it weren't for the four year old realizing we were near "Emmy and Aaron's house" I would probably still be driving around BFE.

Do you ever get lost? Tell me about it!