Exposed

Yesterday I wrote and hit publish on an intense post. It's something I've NEVER shared in writing before. Something I've kept buried deep, deep in the depths of my soul. Something I've only ever told FOUR people.

I typed through my tears, reliving it as I pounded the keys of my laptop, my five year old sitting beside me in bed watching Jake and the Neverland Pirates.

I thought it would make me feel better to share...to process it and move on. And yet since I hit publish I feel more stuck. Like I am in quicksand.

I feel totally raw and exposed and out of control..just like that eleven year old girl I once was.

Still I feel compelled to share what happened.

I am remembering things long forgotten. I am bulldozed by the memories and the tears explode for my eyes...as I walk on the track, as I drive to swim lessons, as I match socks.

This isn't something you get over, but something you get through. I thought I was ready to go through it again, but now I'm uncertain.

I know there have been comments and I am sure they are amazing and supportive will make me cry but I cannot read them yet. Please forgive me.

I thank each and every one of you who has commented or shared my story.

I will write the rest of it.

Rip the bandage off and expose the oozing, festering wound.

And I will be stronger and better for it.

Someday.

Thanks to Shell for giving me a place to pour it all out.