Saturday, December 8, 2012

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I won't bullshit a bullshitter and tell you I've been good all year because...well, you know me. I do hope you will still consider giving me stuff because I NEED it and we gotta keep up the whole Santa is magic and gives presents to everyone scenario -even crazy ass mommas who may have been more naughty than nice.

I don't ask for much. I am a simple girl with simple taste. I am your dream gift getter because I like useful stuff. 

I don't need expensive high tech gifts because you and I both know I can't tell the difference between an ipad an ipod and an ipatch. Frankly, the eleven year old is starting to charge exorbitant fees for tech support and the five year old refuses to help unless I pass a basic skills test and sign a life long contract. Neither of these is likely.

Shiny, gigantonormous diamonds aren't my thing either as it tends to get in the way of my mad playdough snake making skills. Between that and my tendency to lose important, irreplaceable items, bling is a bad idea.

A spa vacation tops the list of things I DO NOT want. My whole, I don't like to be touched (and might kick you in the nutsack if you do) especially by strangers makes that type of thing more than a tad awkward.

To make your job a bit easier I have compiled a brief list of some things I DO WANT!

-Matching tupperware 
 I have 3 shelves crammed full of random stained tops and bottoms and am lucky if I can manage to scrounge up matching containers. If it weren't for Hillshire Farms lunch meat and sour cream I wouldn't have a damn thing to store leftover taco meat in.

-trash can for the master bathroom
It shouldn't be difficult. It needs to match black. Sure I could go out and buy my own, but where's the magic in that? For the past six months I've hung a Hellmart sack on the door, let used qtips and cotton balls pile up on the counter or walked to the kitchen each time I had to throw something out. As you can tell, ANYTHING would be an improvement.

- smell good spray (as opposed to smell like ass spray)

Again my standards are rock bottom. I've been using my nine year old's hand me down Pink soft and pure body mist that most likely expired three years ago.


P.S. I guarantee a monstrous plate of nachos and some cold beer if you make good on my wish list.

If your elves could re-attach that big piece of car near the rear right tire I would appreciate it immensely. I'd like the ghetto packaging tape that is holding the Nissan Quest together to be but a distant memory.

If you make ^^^ that happen I'll throw in some hot wings and Hooters girls. 


ROBIN said...

i am cracking up. This was hilarious and I can so relate to everything on your Santa list!

@dkotucker said...


in the coop said...

That is one of the best Dear Santa letters I've read. Surely you'll get what you want this year.

Robbie K said...

thanks :) I hope you get what you want to!

Robbie K said...

thank you!! What's on your list?

Robbie K said...

Thank you! i sure hope I get what i want or the big jolly dude is going to have to answer to me!

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Fritter said...

I don't know twin. No spa?? How on earth is that possible?!??!??! I adore massages. I might be a freak though as I have been told that I relax 'extremely easily' once one gets going. Still not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

Nice list. Last year I got a Dyson sweeper and it is the best gift of all freaking time!

Stacie @ Snaps and Bits said...

Haha! I hope you get your tupperware - seems like a reasonable request (I might rather have a diamond...)

Robbie K said...

hahaha..maybe we are bizarro twins on some things?

I got a crock pot in Yankee's work gift exchange one year and I was totally thrilled!

Robbie K said...

thanks..Tupperware is more valuable to me than diamonds :)

Leftovers are the story of my life.