Sunday, March 31, 2013

Dark Tunnel

I was holding the gigantic jar of artichoke hearts at Costco when my phone rang. My fingers fumbled as I tried to answer hitting end instead of answer. I called her back.

"Are you driving down a crowded highway?"

"No, I'm pushing my cart through Costco."

"We just left the hospital."

"How is she?"

"You don't need to come now, but you need to come soon."

Her words kept going in and out as if someone was pressing the mute button. She said she could hear me fine. I was in a dark tunnel going in slow motion as it all zoomed past.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I paid for my milk, asparagus and caesar salad kit. 

oxygen. walker. home health.

Steering the metal shopping cart through the parking lot knowing the trip we're planning in August might not be for a vacation.

We discuss the logistics of me making the 1342.8 mile trip sooner.

I haven't even told the kids she's in the hospital. They are two states away with the other grandparents. I think they should know but I have to be the one to tell them. And I can't bring myself to tell them from here.

I am angry and sad and scared.

And I realize I am being selfish too.

She is the one living through this.

 And dying.

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23 comments:

Bee said...

Wow, Robbie. That's really tough. I wish you and your family the best.

Michelle Longo said...

Sorry to hear this Robbie. Sending you hugs.

@dkotucker said...

Oh damn Robbie. I am so sorry to hear this. Take care of yourself. (((hugs)))

Fritter said...

I hope you're doing ok. I have been thinking about you since I read this.

The Preppy Girl in Pink said...

Oh my goodness! Your mom?! My heart is breaking. I know how they were your saving grace during the time that you and your husband were almost a country apart and I know how close you are with them. I know I'm far away but if there is anything you need...even just an ear, I am here for you. Much love to you and your family.

Robbie K said...

Thank you for your kind words.

Bridget said...

Hugs and love to you and your family, Robbie. You're in my heart.

Mamarific said...

I am so sorry. Hugs and prayers for you and your monkeys.

Jennifer Hall said...

Take extra care, Robbie. It's OK to feel whatever you feel. (((HUGS)))

Sanstrousers said...

I'm so sorry. Thinking about you.

Robbie K said...

Thank you, Michelle.

Robbie K said...

Thanks for your thoughts Diane.

Robbie K said...

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm hanging in.

Robbie K said...

Yes..my mom. Thank you so much for remembering how they helped me make it through when my family was separated. They have been my rock & are my heroes.

Marie said...

Oh, I'm so sorry--that's got to be really hard. I remember when we received word that my husband's dad died (suddenly) in England, and we were in Oregon. We hopped a plane the next day...but I know it was so hard for him to be so far away. Thinking of you!

P.S. You redesigned your blog--nice job!

SouthMainMuse said...

Gosh I'm so sorry Robbie. I hate those phone calls. Thankfully, they don't come too often in life. When my dad was so sick for a month, every time the home phone rang (mom can't get used to calling my cell) my stomach dropped. This is a tough time.

lostandforgotten said...

I'm so sorry. Honestly, I have no idea how I would talk to my children about it. I feel like I would barely know how to deal with it myself. Much love to you. xo.

Robbie K said...

Thanks for your thoughtful words and hugs.

Julia said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this tough time for you. You will find words for your children and strength for yourself. And selfish is different than processing; allow yourself the freedom to feel what you need to feel.

The Preppy Girl in Pink said...

Robbie, I just wanted to check in and see how everything was going. I just want to let you know that you are on my mind and in my heart.

Sending lots of love! xo

sarah said...

I don’t think you are selfish. You are a kind person who is thinking about the suffering of her family and it’s normal to be scared since it’s about the life of a person you love so much. I am sorry to hear that and I hope you will be fine.

Kerry Bergeman said...

I'm sorry Robbie.....

Melissa S. said...

It's hard to enough to struggle with your own emotions, much less the reactions of your children. I hope you found peace with this.