Sunday, November 10, 2013

Crying For Days

On Monday, I fought back tears during a conference call discussing a family that I am working with. The pressure I feel is insurmountable. I am afraid I will miss something. I am afraid I cannot do enough for them. I am afraid what will happen IF. 

IF they get frustrated.

IF they lose control.

IF their children get taken again.

IF they start using again.

IF

IF 

IF

How can two letters hold such intense power?

On Tuesday, tears streamed down my face while reading an email about Mom's recent setbacks. Tears mixed with animosity and bitterness toward certain people who are not responding how I think they should.

On Wednesday, tears of disconnection. Wondering if we will ever find our way back?

On Thursday, tears of frustration and exhaustion and heartache.


On Friday, crying at the post office. Holding the door open for an older woman whose arms were piled high with baskets of overflowing envelopes. Her beaming smile and outward gratefulness caught me by surprise. 

On Saturday, salty tears mixed in with the shower spray. Rinsing shampoo and mentally composing the email to those who disappoint me time and time again. Angry tears that I allow it to matter so much.

    

12 comments:

Azara said...

That last line has been the source of my tears this week too. Crying every day is exhausting; hope the pressure eases up on you soon.

cynk said...

Lately, completely out of character, I HAVEN'T been crying. I've been holding it all in. That probably explains why I've been feeling like I could throw up every morning. It's the tears wanted to get out.
This morning, I finally broke down. I was exhausted afterwards. That being said, I understand how tiring it is to cry day after day.

@dkotucker said...

"How can two letters hold such intense power?" <= Perfection.

Pauline-Aspiring Mama said...

Short. Powerful. Beautifully written.

Meeshie said...

You can only do what you can do. After that, it's also up to them.

Robbie K said...

This means so much to me-to know I am not alone in this. THANKS!

Schmutzie said...

Just remember that it is never your job to be everything.

I know that can't make it better, but you can only be what you can for people, and it takes both sides.

I love that you are so present in such important work.

Shailaja V said...

The tears can be so overwhelming. Let them flow, but don't let them linger. Your happiness matters so much more. Hugs!!

KeAnne said...

Hugs to you. This was my week 2 weeks ago, and I felt so out of control. I hope the pressure eases at least a tiny bit.

Edee Lemonier said...

Beautiful and poignant! I used to teach elementary school. I get it.

Jen and Tonic said...

"IF" is the demon so many of us seem to face. Sometimes the best thing to do is to cry it out as you did. We have to find a way to release that kind of worry from our system.

Robbie K said...

It's often hard for me to remember that it's not my job to save the world--but I'm not going to quit trying.