Saturday, November 8, 2014

And Then I Woke up

I woke up completely disoriented today. My mind was fuzzy and my body achy. I had a Mom dream in the wee hours of the morning. That is what my brother and I started calling those dreams after Mom died. At first we would call or text each other to talk about each one. But as the months passed we stopped for no real reason.

It's odd but I don't remember dreaming about her when she was alive... except for the VERY last time. But then again, I didn't sleep when she was alive.

This dream was incredibly vivid, as are all Mom dreams. I smell it, feel it and often wake up with tears streaming down my face or a soggy pillow.

This time I was at my parents house and getting ready to go out with two friends.  One of them was very clearly my BFFFFFFFF. We have been to hell and back together more times than I want to remember. In my dream, I was looking in the bathroom mirror putting the finishing touches on my hair as my friends stood in the hallway talking to me. We talked of wine, where to eat, and rehashed memories of our younger days.

It was definitely in my parents living room. Mom was sitting on their couch...the blue one we had bought for their twenty fifth wedding anniversary...which was twenty years ago. My parents are frugal people.

The dark blue couch was pushed up against the far wall as it tends to be at Christmas time when they rearrange to make room for the tree. She had a very small dark haired baby boy in her lap. I don't know who it was as we didn't call him by name. It was eerie how he looked exactly like my youngest son with his jet black hair and long eyelashes. 

Mom looked healthy... better than healthy physically. She looked as if she had just come home from church as she was wearing a skirt.It seems she wasn't  healthy least not mentally so. 

In my dream I walked into the living room because of the loud voices and found my older son standing over her. They were arguing. She was poking the baby over and over. Not hard. The baby was barely fussing but she kept doing it over and over. It was as if she didn't know it was wrong to do.

I scooped him up and walked back to the hallway and announced to my friends,  "I can't go. I have to stay here. I need to be here."

And then I woke up.

As Mom was dying in January, one of her big concerns was that she would get loopy and be incoherent. She did not want that. She did not want to be a burden. 

She was never a burden. It was a privilege to care for her during her last month on this earth even if it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

NaBloPoMo November 2014


Alexandra said...

I love my mom dreams. They are always GOOD and she looks healthy, and sounds happy. And things are good between us. What a blessing to have seen her last night.

Marcy said...

I liked your vivid description of your dream. I hope your dreams bring you some comfort.

Robbie K said...

I do love and cherish my Mom dreams! It helps to get a glimpse of her and know that her pain is gone. Thank you.

Stephanie @ Life, Unexpectedly said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Robbie, but still am happy that you had the chance to spend the last months of her life with her. I'm sure your mom enjoyed it as well.

Robbie K said...

I would not trade even one second of that month for anything.