NaBloPoMo Wrap Up

Today is the final day of NaBloPoMo and I am both relieved and disappointed. 

Relieved that I survived the month and posted 26 out of 30 days. 

Disappointed that it is over. 

I made the VERY last minute decision to join the crazy masses and I do not regret it. Going in I did not intend to post every single day but rather I wanted to challenge myself to post as much as I could. I also tried to comment more and though I didn't keep any official numbers I think I managed to reach that goal. I found some new blogs, read many amazing posts and found a gazillion blogging ideas. My biggest obstacle is time. 

Did you do NaBloPoMo? What did you love about it? What was your biggest challenge?

Soap Box

My FaceBook post on Thanksgiving Eve because I was tired of my feed being blown up by certain things. 

Contrary to popular belief, retail and health care workers aren't the only ones who work holidays. Big Yankee has worked nearly every Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year's/Easter/etc since before we were even married. Working in social service and teaching I've worked my fair share of Christmas & New Year's Eves! What do you say we extend some compassion for EVERYONE who is working the holidays and to their loved ones who are effected? Let's go one step further and include all those who aren't spending it with those they love.

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Wordless Wednesday: Snow

Question Tag

One of the fabulous perks of #NaBloPoMo is meeting new bloggers. There is lots of sharing and tagging going on and I love it. This is exactly how I met the lovely Denise of Jayhawk Mommy. I am not even sure if we've gotten around to discussing the fact that I was a Kansan for several years before moving to the land of milk and potatoes. I came THIS close to going to KU for college!! 

1.What do you like most about blogging?

**Connections. Reading life stories. The amazing writers. The people that make me laugh, and cry and nod my head and think "hell, yes!! Me too!"

2. What is your favorite book, and why is it your favorite?

**This is like asking me to choose my favorite child. I love them ALL! I do suck at remembering my favorite books though. This could be because I read so MUCH! I started a renegade book club and I have to wait until the week before the meeting to read the book or I will forget it all. I love books that make me laugh and cry. Some of my favorites: 

Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott

Bastard Out of Carolina by Dorothy Allsion

The Saving Graces by Patricia Gaffney

FireFly Lane by Kristin Hannah

3. What was the last thing you ate?

**Nutella on toast

4. The best vacation you ever had!

**Honeymoon when we spent a few weeks traveling on the East Coast or our month long family road trip across eleven states.

5. The place you want to visit most in the world.

**Ireland

6. Do you have any pets?

**3 kids and a husband. Oh and two red eared slider turtles. I REALLY, REALLY want a puppy.

7. What is your favorite pizza topping(s)?

I LOVE pizza!! I LIVE for pizza Fridays. I survived my pregnancies on pizza. There were weeks at a time where pizza was the only food I could keep down. Me and pizza are tight.

Favorites include:

pepperoni and bacon

bacon and artichoke hearts

sundried tomatoes, spinach and artichoke hearts

supreme

pepperoni and black olives

source

Now it's my turn to ask some questions! Ya'll are tagged!!!

1. What is the kindest thing someone has done for you?

2. What smells remind your of your childhood?

3. When was the last time you cried? Why?

4. Who was your least favorite teacher and why?

5. Where do you want to retire?

6. What is your can't live without appliance?

7. Why do you blog?

                                                                              

Reasons I Skipped

Did you happen to notice that I took a #NaBloPoMo break? I skipped the weekend. At first it wasn't intentional and I probably could have scrambled to slap up a photo or a quote or something simple. But I didn't want to be disingenuous so I said screw it! Here are some reasons I failed to post:

1. I am not a plan a header.

2. I spent Saturday volunteering at a local social service agency. I interviewed families for holiday assistance...talk about putting life in to perspective.

3. I was recovering from a visit of the state evaluation team for our program. 

4. I went on a date with Big Yankee which is an extremely rare event due to our opposite scheduled, kids, responsibilities, life.

5. I was finishing a final project for Classroom Management and fantasizing about the term ending.

Status Update

I do not have the skills to take a screen shot but today I give you my FaceBook status-thanks to the comedic timing of the seven year old.

Wyatt wisdom "So Mom I've been thinking and you are basically a bat. You stay up really late and when you are awake you are always taking care of everybody and you never really go outside. Well only for like the 4 or 9 seconds it takes you to get in the car to get us or to go to see one of your clients or when you go to your meetings. And you'd like to sleep all day if you could (he is annoyed I sleep till 9 on weekends). So yeah, you're pretty much a bat."

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Magnified

I had planned to participate in a clever questions post that is making the rounds. The timing is perfect with it being #NaBloPoMo Day #20 and with every ounce of energy sucked out of me. 

You see, I spent eight exhausting hours at a CQI training today. Continuous Quality Improvement is mind numbing number mumbo jumbo, statisistical analysis bullshit. Why don't I tell you exactly how I feel about it? 

I said more than once today "there's a reason I work with people and not with numbers." Rattling off all the mean, mode and median qualitative quantitative continuous discrete blah, blah, blah is NOT going to get my client out of jail.  It isn't going to take provide a meal when her food stamps run out, or give her the courage to leave her ten year long abusive relationship. It  isn't going to magically transport her out of poverty. The numbers won't qualify her for a better paying job.  The carefully constructed bar graph can't cover the electricity bill this month or transport the sick baby to the doctor. 

I wish numbers could provide some hope for the families I serve. Instead it magnifies the shameful ways our nation disappoints and ignores some of the most vulnerable citizens.

And there you have it folks-the question post that turned into a rant.

Wordless Wednesday: When They Were Little

This little boater is thirteen and obsessed with Xbox.

This bowler is eleven and taller than me!

My brown-eyed baby is almost eight!

Old School Blogging: Five Random

I love Old School Blogging and I have REALLY, REALLY tried to come up with five random facts that I have NEVER shared here. I discovered that it is easier said than done.


1. Coconut repulses me. The smell, the texture, the taste. If someone tries to trick me and lures me in to eating coconut I will start gagging, retching and possibly even dry heaving.

2. In fifth grade my best friend and I created a history club. We named it Kentucky Pioneer Women and called it KPW. We had meetings at recess and we were planning a conventions/sleepover but then she moved and the group fizzles despite our best efforts.

3. I was awarded Perfect Attendance nearly every year of elementary school. In sixth grade I walked up to the front of the gymnasium to accept my certificate and then walked right out into the parking lot to puke. You can see me holding my stomach in the photos.

  4. I drove myself to the hospital twice when I was in labor because it was very late and my husband was on the opposite coast and I didn't think I was REALLY in labor. After my second visit I ended up on bed rest.


5. After many, many, many sleepless years I was diagnosed with sleep apnea in August. I have slept with my CPAP machine every single night since and am amazed how much better I feel both physically and mentally.

Now it is your turn to share some random facts!

Questions

Alison grabbed these from Christine and I had to jump on the bandwagon too! Bam #NaBloPoMo Day #17! You should join in on the fun too.

 Four names that people call me, other than my real name
1. Bird
2. Robbie
3. Mom/Momma/Mommy
4. Sweetie


Four jobs I have had (other than current)
1. Coordinator After School Adventures
2. Transcriber @ Parenting Research Center
3. Pre-k teacher
4. House cleaner


Four movies I've watched more than once
1. Breakfast Club
2. Top Gun
3. Despicable Me

Four books I'd recommend
1. Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott

2.The Light Between Oceans by M.L. Stedman

3.Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah

4.Bastard Out of Carolina by Dorothy Allison

Four places I have lived
1. New York
2. Oklahoma
3. California
3. Kentucky

Four places I'd rather be right now
1. Girls get away
2. Snuggled underneath a mountain of blankets
3. On the beach
4. Vegas

Four things I don't eat
1.coconut anything
2. pumpkin anything
3.Sushi
4. Escargot

Four of my favorite foods
1. pizza
2. seafood
3. mexican food
4. finger food

Four tv shows that I watch-I don't have time to watch but these are the shows I would watch if I did!
1. Parenthood
2. Big Bang Theory
3. The Good Wife
4. Mindy Project


Four things I am always saying
1. It's time to go!
2. Has anyone seen my phone/keys/debit card?
3. We should TOTALLY do that!
4. Remember I am THE cool mom!

Playing Hooky

I skipped #NaBloPoMo yesterday. Intentionally. I have 90+ drafts I could have finished and/or cleaned up enough to post. But I didn't. I could have slapped up a picture of our first snow or thrown some random quotes and hit publish. But I didn't. Yesterday was spent connecting. In REAL LIFE. It was amazing and entertaining and invigorating and relaxing and exactly what I needed. I don't feel the least bit guilty for playing hooky. 



I went to a coffee I organized for new members of my Mom's Group. I met at least ten new people...and they met new people and so on and so on. I tell my "I joined this group out of desperation and they saved my life many times" story. I also got to hold several cuddly, cooing babies. Although there are no more babies in my future I will never be done.

We slid across the ice & I took my kids swimming in the afternoon. I will always love the smell of chlorine. A friend joined me and we chatted while the kids splashed and jumped and played mermaids.

Big Yankee was home much earlier than usual for a Saturday night so we all hunkered down and watched The Croods. We need more family time.

I called and texted a few friends I hadn't talked to in ages.

And that, my friends, is why I don't feel guilty for missing one day of #NaBloPoMo

Fractured Friday

We had our first snow day of the year today. It was more of a our city has turned into an ice rink day. It was one of  those mornings I was thrilled that my children sleep like rocks and rely on their parents to drag them out of bed every school day. I did manage to crawl back under the covers and social media in peace.

I still had to work but at least it was from my dining room table. Dealing with a complicated crisis made it a tad less enoyable. I hosted a potluck for eight mommas and at least twelve kids. It was entertaining and busy and loud and I got my baby fix.


That's all I got NaBloPoMo Day #14.

Second Grade

My second grade teacher was Mrs. Rigsby. Her dark hair was piled on top of her head in a late 1970s interpretation of the beehive. She read to us from chapter books after lunch. She'd move her teacher chair front and center with the green chalkboard as her background. It seemed like she always stopped just as we were getting to a good part. When she read us "Ribsy" by Beverly Cleary I lived in fear of accidentally calling her Mrs. Ribsy. It was something I would never be able to live down.

We had to do timed math drills in front of the entire class thanks to modern technology of the overhead projector and the chalkboard. I NEVER finished in the sixty seconds we were given. My sweaty hands could barely hold on to the white chalk and it was all I could do to keep from throwing up. I felt ashamed. I hated math.

For reading we were divided into groups that I am sure were based on ability. I was insanely shy and did not like to read out loud which made her think I couldn't read well. I was nervous and quiet and stumbled over my words. Yet I was a speed reader who zoomed through chapter books when given the chance to read independently. 

Our reading groups had catchy little names based on a rotating theme. Sometimes we were Blue Jays, Cardinals and Bluebirds. But they all got mixed up in my anxiety ridden mind and I would go to the reading table with the wrong groups. And the kids would laugh and she would chastise me for forgetting. I started picking one or two people in my group to follow but that didn't work either because people changed reading groups as determined by Mrs. Rigsby. I eventually just stayed in my seat and waited for her to say, "Robbie, we are WAITING on you. Can't you remember your group?"

Second grade was not my favorite.


What do you remember about second grade?

Breathless

We were parked haphazardly in a gravel driveway. 

If I rolled down the windows and listened hard enough I could hear the faint notes coming from Mrs. Duncan's piano studio. My oldest son was playing.

The Nissan quest transformed into a rocket. StinkBug pushing buttons, adjusting dials and barking out orders. We were just about to land on the moon when my cell phone rang. 

Seeing the number and bracing myself.

It would not be good news.

They don't call at 5:30 on a Thursday night to talk.

Taking a deep breath and stepping out of my van. Trying to to say a casual hello despite a huge lump in my throat.

Cars whizzing by on the two lane highway behind me. StinkBug pounding on the window yelling for me to get back in the rocket. We hadn't landed yet. I wasn't wearing my space suit.

He tried to sound casual. To downplay the situation. That's what my parents do. It's what they have always done.

She'd had a cold for a few days and he finally convinced her to go to the walk in clinic. My mom is nothing if not stubborn.

It hadn't been easy to get her there. She couldn't breathe without her oxygen so he loaded up her tank.  I can picture Mom trying to give detailed instructions on how he should do it. 

Even though she couldn't breathe on her own she had to control something. 

Dad putting it down in the hallway just as he got to the garage door.  Probably once more before loading it into the back passenger seat of their blue Ford Escape. 

I'd helped load it when they were here in August. They'd driven more than fourteen hundred miles to our new home. He couldn't believe how effortless I made it look. I had joked that I'd been lifting weights and I was thirty years younger than he. Truth is, it was heavy but a seventy-two year old man shouldn't have to carry his wife's oxygen tank.

I didn't bother to ask why they didn't call an ambulance. They don't do that kind of thing. They wouldn't want to be a burden.

When my parents arrived at the clinic they were told to go directly to the ER. The hospital would be expecting them. 

**This post was originally published in February 2013. Today is my mom's seventy-forth birthday. She died on January 20, 2014 after nearly a month of hospice care. I find her absence deafening and my grief paralyzing. I wanted desperately to write something for today but I am just trying to survive it.

Where I Come From

I come from

County seat of Onondoga

Northeast corner of Finger Lakes

Granddaughter of dairy farmers

Daughter of a teacher and a professor

I come from hard work and determination

 saving up or doing without

       German and Irish immigrants

doers and givers

Where do you come from?

Selfie Sunday

I have been WRITING all damn day. You see I thought it was a good idea to go back to school full time because working full-time, parenting three kids (solo much of  the time) and all my community obligations weren't enough to keep me busy. And now it is the end of my term and crunch time which means I wrote two papers on Classroom Management, Engagement and motivation. Therefore my brain is fried but I don't want to skip a day of #NaBloPoMo so here are a selection of selfies. Which look do you like the best?

Just Write: Flight

With ninety posts in my drafts folder, you'd think I would be a NaBloPoMo fiend-chomping at the bit to hit publish and scheduling posts out the wahzoo. If only that were true. Well, the ninety half assed posts are true at least. Many posts are too painful to write. I cannot go there now. I spend so much of my energy going the opposite of THERE. If I go I might not be able to come back. 

I excel at avoidance. It's my super power. Sometimes it serves me well. Other times...not so much. This morning the screams and cries echo through our house. People don't feel well. His nose is stopped up. He has a headache. Another determined that THEY WILL GO TO SCHOOL. The battle is on. It isn't me. I cannot fight this battle today. I can barely make it through the hours until my head hits the pillow again. The voices inside my head are the loudest of all. Fight or flight mode. I am a flier. I want to take off. I NEED to escape.To go somewhere thousands of miles from here. To quiet. To peace. Before I fall to pieces that cannot be put back together again.

Wordless Wednesday

What Might Have Been

Dear JB,

I can't celebrate my oldest son's birthday without thinking of you because it is yours as well. Or was yours-though you left us a week before you turned eighteen. 

You would have been twenty-nine this year and I can't help but imagine how differently life would have been had you not been ripped away. 

I imagine you would be married by now with a sweet wife, and a few children. I like to picture a little girl with your amazing black curls and shockingly beautiful blue eyes. You would have a career... not just a job. You were always a smart kid. You would have gone to college. You would move away from home-but not too far from your roots... close enough that you could go back and help your parents. You were always respectful and responsible.

Hannah, your oldest sister... well her life would have turned out differently too. She wouldn't have felt the pressure to help parent your baby sister, to be the "husband" that your dad could no longer be. He was so lost by your loss. She did finish college but she never moved on. 

She never got to leave. She never experienced freedom. I'd like to think she would have found a teaching job...maybe moved around a little bit... had some life experiences... traveled. Instead Hannah waits tables in a small town where she is trapped by her responsibility to Aunt Kay and Sadie.

By some miracle your sister Maddie made it out. But maybe too far out. She went to college and has a job. But from what I'm told she left and never looked back. By all appearances she was the least scarred by your death which means she may be in the most pain. Maybe she wouldn't have cut all ties if you were still around.

I don't even know your youngest sister and she didn't really get to know you. She was only three when you died. I wonder if they even talk about you? If she gets to hear stories about you and look through pictures of you. Their pain was so deep, so raw and they shut down. 

She would be 14 now. If you hadn't died, she would have grown up with a family. She would have had two parents and a house full of older siblings to tease her and teach her and protect her. Instead she grew up in a hollow house of pain and sadness. She grew up in isolation and a cloak of fear. She doesn't know her aunts and uncles who live a few miles away or her cousin who teaches at the local school. She doesn't go to school. I'm told she barely speaks.

I don't pretend to understand what went on in your parents' marriage. I just know they never EVER recovered from your death. It broke them beyond repair. I'd like to think that if you hadn't died they would still be together-living in their white house on top of the hill with its peeling paint and collection of old cars and trucks. Your dad was always fixing something up.

I'd like to think your dad would still be alive if you were. He would have taken care of his mind and his body. It would have spared my mom and her sisters the pain of burying another brother. Instead Uncle Lewis died alone in his car two springtimes ago.

When you were ripped away so many lives were ripped apart. 

I wish things had happened differently but they didn't. I will always cherish the memories of you, my sweet, smart, hard working young cousin who was taken way too soon.


Love,
Robbie

Absurd

Stasha and her magical Monday Listicles are the reason I can face the kick-off to my work week. Today's topic is

Ten Things I Find Utterly Absurd:


1. Coordinating mother daughter outfits. Every single day.

2. Mom-petition.

3. Mini coke cans. Adorable? Hell yes! Practical? Hell no. That is barely a swallow.

4. Second grade homework-excessive amounts and pointless.

5. Barefoot running shoes. I am not a runner and I just DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

6. Candy corn.

7. The amount of time and energy I spent on Pinterest.

8. People who sleep without a fan on.

9. Parents who provide alcohol for their underage children.

10. Rude, ranty people.

What would be on your list?