Thursday, November 10, 2011

Just trying to help a Motha out

Happy 1st blogoversary to the Amazing Alison and Ado! This is my gift to them...a favorite post!




Dear Annoying, Aggressive, Attention starved, Hooker Barbie,


For reasons I will never understand ,YOU signed up for a parent PARTICIPATION preschool program. For those vocabulary challenged folks participate is defined as: to take part, be or become actively involved in, share. As stated in the program handbook, parents attend with their child and act as their own child's teacher during center-based learning time. Clearly you are having great difficulty understanding this.


Let me see if I can break it down in words you can understand.You sitting in a chair and flirting with the Baby Daddy next to you (and not your Baby Daddy), sinking your perfectly manicured fingers into his flabby biceps, leaning into him with your twin peaks about to escape, while my adorable, precious, innocent four year old is trying to talk is NOT PARTICIPATION. Just because my son is showing his stuffed puppy at show and tell does not mean that you need to show yours!




You texting on your fancy shmancy, glammed up cellphone, disrupting calender time to slink out of your chair (while the rest of us moms sit on the floor criss cross applesauce hands in our laps) with your juicy bootilicious sweats, shaking your tail feathers for Baby Daddy (again please try to remember he is not YOUR Baby Daddy) and loudly sucking down your Diet Pepsi and doing 43 kinds of inappropriate with your straw, while your kid jumps up and down on the carpet whining and crying "I want soda! Give me some of your soda!" You loudly hissing at her "Shh..now pay attention. Don't be rude!" Again NOT PARTICIPATION.This, my trampy attention whore, is called hypocrisy.


*I do have a bit of phone lust though.






While I am at it, I'm going to offer you a little smidge of fashion advice because I am bitchy, judgmental, opinionated generous like that. Sporting a skin tight white tank top over your brightly colored Victoria Secret Very Sexy Seduction push up bra with gel curve is super duper HAWT if you are a waitress at Hooters, popping out of a cake, gyrating around a pole or consider pasties an office supplies. But it is 37 degrees outside and you are in a preschool classroom! Put those things away before you  poke someone's eye out.




Yes, it's true I am jealous that you can drink all the free wine you want at the wine bar where you work (and which you manage to to work into  EVERY. SINGLE. CONVERSATION) but maybe you could refrain from discussing it at the playdough table where some of us are trying to interact with our children? Either that or bring wine for all the moms! 



Also you don't have to tell us EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. that noon is extremely early for you and we are lucky that you make it there each week. Quite honestly I don't feel all that lucky.


Here's another tip, don't act completely surprised when we engage in extremely rigorous physical activity such as playing Duck, Duck, Goose, Simon Says and doing the Hokey Pokey (I know the Pokey pokey is more your style). 




We do it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. 


They remind us EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. about THE grant.


Also, puh-leez, please stop faking some injury (owww my foot!) claiming you have no idea what you did or how you did it and yammering on about it loud enough so that everyone within a three mile radius hears your woe-is me tale.  You pass your kid off to one of the teachers when it is time to move a muscle and you continue to piss and moan about this not being what you signed up for. Let's say it together now-NOT PARTICIPATION. Those poor women teach 2 sessions a day and they have children older than you. Woman up and play with your kid!


One last thing, you know those projects at the art center? They are for the CHILDREN. You know that clingy little, hair bow sporting 39 inch tall accessory you toddler & tiara up each week? That would be your child. The one who is suppose to be doing the art project. For the love of glitter, give her the damn scissors! I am afraid you might pop something. Also your cutting and pasting skills are not what Baby Daddy (again STILL not your baby daddy) is staring at.




My dear friend, I hope you find this to be a valuable tool in understanding parent participation preschool.


MWUAH! Loves ya,


Robbie


P.S. Let me know when you want to meet you @ work so you can pour me free wine. I <3 my new BFF!


P.S.S. If you even blink at my baby daddy (also known as my husband) your nine inch Come to Bed Red nails are going to be used against you as a lethal weapon.



30 comments:

The Preppy Girl in Pink said...

Woah! You let it out in this one! I was cracking up...there has to be one of those moms in every class. I have met someone of them and have jumped in the car with excitement to call my husband to tell of the latest craziness!!
Hope she brings you some wine ;-)

Robbie K said...

I don't this gal could be any more of a stereotype if she tried. Glad it made you laugh! Sometimes class is torturous but at least it's good blog fodder.

Missy said...

I am howling with laughter. GREAT. Visiting from The Woven Moments linkup. Glad to have found you!

Jamie said...

EWWW I don't like her at all! Lets gang up on her!

Sparkling said...

I knew when I found your blog through THe WOven Moments and saw that we have the same template, we must be on the same wavelength. THis is such an awesome post. Hysterical! I teach middle school and if it's not the mothers coming in dressed like this, it's the daughters! So funny!!

Okay and this is hysterical too. I'm about to type my captha word and you'll never believe what it is: manomine. I am not kidding!!

Jennifer said...

First of all- congrats on your feature at MMILE- I am visiting from there. Secondly, WOW- yes, there IS one in every class. My daughter is in preschool and some people astound me- there are the ones like that and the other extreme- the ones that seem to have given up on life and look like they just crawled out of a dumpster when they show up.

Robbie K said...

Thanks:)
Yep there are definitely both extremes. I try to shower on school days :)

Robbie K said...

Can we take her down in the parking lot? Rough her up a bit before class maybe?

Anna at www.mylifeandkids.com said...

Oh I love this! Nothing like a letter on the blog to set things straight! :)

Thanks for linking up to finding the funny!
Anna

Robbie K said...

Thanks! I was so excited to find the link-up and can't wait for the next one.

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

Hahahahahahahaha!!!

"Toddler and tiara up" just KILLED me.

Thank you for linking this awesome post to Blog Bash!

Ado said...

This was so very funny! Hahahaha! Is Hooker Barbie real? How terrible for you if she is!
Hilarious! Thanks for linking up with us Robbie, and thanks so much for reading (or trying to) so many of the blogs - and tweeting about the Blog Bash etc. Really appreciate it.

Wombat Central said...

Bahahaha! Loved this. Might need to borrow it for any of these moms I encounter at school. ;)

Jackie said...

Are you in New Jersey, 'cause there are lots of those kind of mamas around here?
Love this Robbie!

Robbie K said...

Yes she is real and I get to spend 3 hours with her EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK! I loved reading so many blogs and found many new ones to love and follow so THANK YOU!

Robbie K said...

There seems to be one in every school...print it off and pass it out. I think of it as my little public service announcement.

Robbie K said...

lol...nope I'm in Kansas. Glad you enjoyed it!

Shell said...

This is hilarious!

@dkotucker said...

Hey...you found MY phone!!! Baaahaaaaa!!! :D

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Sarah Bluett said...

Bahahahahahahahahha!
Thanks for that Friday night chortle. Very amusing, you sound like a funny lady : )

Sarah