Thursday, November 17, 2011

Dear Street Parking Neighbor,

I have tried to take the high road, allowing you time to acclimate to your new home (even though it has been 5 FREAKING MONTHS) before I said something about you parking in the street EVERY. DAMN. DAY. 

Did you notice that large square shaped structure at the end of your driveway? It's called a garage. Shall we say it together? a little slower...attached G-a-r-a-g-e! In our neighborhood we park our vehicles inside of our garages. 

See that hugemongous slab of cement leading up to the structure for storing cars, trucks, crotch rockets and other modes of transportation? That my friend, is called a driveway. It is another parking option available to you and your crapload of vehicles .

Remember when you were house hunting and had your MUST HAVE list? I hate break it to you, but you obviously needed more than a 2 car garage for your big ass boat (really in the landlocked state of OZ you gotta have a boat?) gigantifuckingnormous shiny black truck on steroids, stickered up Honda (though at least if you are going to pretend it is a race car and put number stickers on the side you picked one of my fave numbers of all time-43!), newly acquired work truck with ladders and tools and lots o' crap.

Perhaps you forgot that you now live in one of THOSE neighborhoods...the kind that has a Home Owners Association. The kind of neighborhood that has rules.  The purpose of said rules is to maintain the look and feel of our area...and keep property values high.

These rules include NO STREET PARKING! 

Have you noticed that you are THE ONLY ONE in our subdivision using the street as a parking lot? It is annoying and trashy.

And what I REALLY don't understand is why you don't at least pull in the driveway since it is empty most of the day. I am trying to sell my house and you are really pissing me off. 

Let this be your DO NOT want me as your pissed off neighbor. Hell hath no fury like a pi$$ed off, unemployed lady trying to sell her damn house! I have alerted the HOA and if the issue isn't resolved immediately I will be taking matters into my own hands.

Anywho, just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood!


P.S. Please do not ask to borrow an egg. We are lacto-vegetarians. ARE TOO!


Diane said...

BwaHahaaa! Preach it!

I get aggravated with my neighbor's constant need to run his leaf blower 24-7 and to spread stank ass manure and human waste compost (yes, they sell treated shit at the water treatment plant).

I think you should break out the monkeys on him!

Robbie K said...

@ Diane
eww..just thinking about that stink makes me want to hurl! I had issues with neighbor's and HOA mowing lawns at 6:30 in the am. I even called the police but would have had to wait around for officer to show up an dI couldn't be late for work. Instead I wrote a scathing email to the Board and lo and behold ppl can only mow and do yard work between the hours of 8 am and 8 pm!

Lizbeth said...

My sister had the same problem. Neighbor parked their car in front of her house and not theirs!!! After 5 months they got sick of it and called the police. The car now sits in their driveway....

Robbie K said...

@ Lizbeth
Glad calling the police worked for your sis. I'm not sure if it will work here since the city does allow street parking but our neighborhood doesn't. For now I will continue to harass the HOA. My 10 yr old can't wait to go egg the car though!

The Preppy Girl in Pink said...

Oh how I wish you lived in my neighborhood so that you could open a big ol can of whoop a** on a couple of my neighbors!! Or at least send in the monkeys!

Anonymous said...

Yikes. Do the kids play street hockey in your neck of the woods? (I'm Canadian - it's kinda the law here.)

Because I'm thinking a few hard road hockey balls to the door panel and windshield sections, and he's never leaving it on the street again.

Good luck!

Possum said...

The joys of neighbours!! Reminds me of the time we had a house being renovated in the area and the legion of builders and contractors parked in front of my garage EVERY day for months! And EVERY day they said..."oops, sorry". When I let their tyres down they went ballistic to which I replied..."oops, sorry".

Anonymous said...

On the one hand, I get grumpy with the idea of a neighborhood association. I grew up rural and I'm paranoid-noid-noid. I hate people telling me how long my lawn can be. (Note - I do mow pretty regularly, and not just so I don't run afoul of the neighborhood association.) On the other hand, the HOA has been really helpful to us, not at all nasty about our yard (which is untidy enough to qualify us as 'that house'). And yours is exactly the situation that such associations are created for.

Move. The. Damned. Car.

May I suggest getting him towed?

Sandra said...

This was fun-ny! You need to print this post off, and put it under one of the wiper blades, right before you egg their motherfucking bigass truck!

Robbie K said...

@ highlyirritable
No hockey here though maybe i should start it up! :)

I was highly amused when I learned that a neighborhood kid was riding his bike, accidentally ran into the back of his car and cracked his bumper. Karma sucks!

Robbie K said...

@ Possum

I seriously thought about dropping a nail or other sharp object under his car. Glad to hear it worked for you!

Robbie K said...


I admit when we were looking at houses I was a little nervous about the rigidity of HOAs because I had heard horror stories from friends. For the most part it has been a very good thing. He parks in the space between our 2 he is technically half in front of my property and half in front of his. Wonder if they would still tow

Robbie K said...

@ Sandra

Great idea!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm....maybe you could have him towed the thirty feet to in front of his house and strew the path with tacks? Bigass tacks?

Robbie K said...
I like it!

Jen said...

Dear Robbie, Are you for hire? Because there's an asshole who keeps blocking my driveway & I need your monkeys.

I freaking LOVE you.

Kelley said...

Hahaha!! When you said you were trying to sell your house, I got mad at your neighbor all over again! This reminds me of a neighbor we have that bought a house close by and ALWAYS parks in the street. He also has a boat, an RV, tons of cars, etc. He needs to move to a bigger house with a bigger garage and driveway. It drives us crazy! Anyway, thanks for linking up with us at #findingthefunny! This cracked me up. :)

Anna at said...

Oh my gosh - LOVE the ways that you'll take matters into your own hands. Awesome! Pinning this for sure!

Fadderly said...

i think i like the monkeys the best. classic!