Friday, December 23, 2011

The Holiday Letter We Won't Be Sending

Excepts from the holiday letter that won't go out this year. I am too lazy to write the letter in it's entirety.

Greetings from our damn house that won't sell family to yours.

2011 was a banner f**kin' year at the old S**** family.  While we didn't get a carton of ciagrettes and my old man didn't grab me and say . "Smoke up Johnny" don't think I didn't consider taking up with a crack pipe.

Big Yankee managed to live and work in 3 different states in the span of 10 months. He survived (barely) some pretty sucky jobs and asshat bosses. In August found a fantastic job...1231 miles away. We are hoping to live together in 2012.

In April Big Yankee was given an early birthday present from is employer a lay off notice...effective immediately. One perk was that we all lived under the same roof for nearly 8 weeks of 2011.

After 4 years  at  *(*%^(*  giving her heart and soul to at-risk preschoolers Robbie was given her 6 week lay off notice. She took her toys and went home.  After initial difficulties, she has adjusted quite nicely to "f-unemployment". She drives the kids to school in her hot pink leopard print fleece pj pants and sock monkey slippers. Most days she manages to shower by 3 and change into a relatively clean pair of track pants to pick up the hellions.

StinkBug is nearly five and frequently wears clothes in public now (you can be damn sure he is sporting a pair of Buzz Lightyear shorty pjs under those Gap jeans). He is fluent in Bon Jovi and we are trying to figure out how knowing all the words to "You Give Love a Bad Name" will translate into a school readiness skill. He spends his days guzzling chocolate milk, watching Crazy Frog videos on Youtube, staging Fisher Price tornados and bossing around the boy who lives down the street.

Peanut is 8 going on drama queen. She loses her freaking mind when the seams of her socks are not perfectly aligned, stabs her math homework with a pencil and catapults it across the room. We continue to investigate the Barbie, Ken and friends crack den orgy fest that happen all to frequently in her room. 

Einstein is tolerating his 5th grade year with the idiots that are his classmates. Professionals informed us  he can use his intellectual powers for good or evil. Right now he seems to be leaning toward the latter. He is quite adept at starting fires with vaseline and qtips. He taunts is siblings and won't help his mother with complicated technical issues such as how to make the computer screen larger or how to turn on the Wii.


Shana said...

That is the funniest...and most honest...Christmas letter ever. I hope you have a wonderful holiday and that the new year is better to you than this year was.

Diane said...

Hilarious! I would LOVE to get a holiday letter like that as opposed to those obnoxious brag letters. I got one of those last week. Yours is much, much better! :D

Kechara said...

My DH and I were both rolling!!

Happy ICLW

Carrie said...

Keep it real, sister!

Love it. And you don't know how many others could probably sign a holiday letter very similar to yours.

Keep it real!

Jen/jlweinberg said...

You are amazing. Thank you for speaking the truth sister! I hope 2012 brings Big Yankee a job within 5 miles of your home, and all children & toys living peaceably under your capable leadership.

The Preppy Girl in Pink said...

I would much prefer this letter over the MANY brag letters I have received this Christmas. They make me want to pike my eyes out with a pencil so I don't have to read the next one to come in the mail.
On the serious side, I do hope & pray that you all can be under the same roof in the very early part of 2012. Merry Christmas, Robbie! Enjoy your time with Big Yankee home!

Sissy Ski said...

"Asshat" it! I definitely need to use that word more often. It's somehow much more effective than a-hole (which is another of my faves).

Anonymous said...

Hi from ICLW

I hate Christmas letters. Yours is freaking fabulous. I think you should send it :)

Anna at said...

Fabulous. I would LOVE to get this Christmas letter (and to see you in your hot pink leopard print pajamas! :)

Thanks for linking up to Finding the Funny! Hope to see you next week!

Kelley said...

So funny! That's the kind of Christmas letter I would read, re-read and then read out loud to my husband. Ha!

(Thanks for linking up with the #findingthefunny party. Hope you come back next week!)

Sparkling said...

This is great and I wish I received a few of these! I especially love that you plan to turn knowledge of Bon Jovi music into a school worthy skill. Found you at Anna and Kelley's linkup.