Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Contamination

I try not to let what happened here poison me of this place. But at times it's hard not to. The toxins seeps in -oozing deep into the cracks and crevices of our new life.

After an hour long family trip to the public library, where we checked out more books and videos than we could carry, we raced over to City Park at StinkBug's request. The sun was shining, a cool breeze blowing and a wedding party was gathering outside the historic church on the corner. Big Yankee and the kids raced around playing hide and seek while I took it all in.

Memories of our first visit invaded my brain. Thirteen months have passed since we discovered this park with it's towering, gigantic trees, new playground and stage where the community band plays on summer nights. 

Big Yankee was scheduled for a full day of breakfast meetings, interviews, dinner and more. The kids had their fill of swimming in the hotel pool and were going stir crazy in our room. We piled into the Nissan Quest to explore what might be our new home.

I was a bundle of nerves. I have no sense of direction and knew I couldn't call Big Yankee if we got lost. I was living in fear of unintentionally ending up on the bridge that I was deathly afraid to drive over. There would be no turning back.

I was cautiously optimistic. Between us, Big Yankee and I had four layoffs in the past two and a half years. We had a mortgage we struggled to pay and a house we couldn't sell. We'd done the right things. Made the right choices. College educations. Strong work ethics.

And yet on that July afternoon we were both unemployed and clinging to any possibility. It felt like our last chance. It was something we so desperately needed but  would take us thousands of miles away from supportive family and friends and the only life our children remembered.

Big Yankee was offered a job and it seemed as if our luck was finally turning. Our family made immense sacrifices-living thousands of miles apart for nine and a half months. I struggled to keep our house show ready and solo parent while Big Yankee missed birthdays and band concerts. 

We kept telling ourselves we could do this. It would be worth it in the end. We didn't have any other choice. We would survive and be stronger for it.

By Memorial Day we were living under one roof, piecing together our fractured family. We HAD survived. We were STRONG. Life was good. 

Until it wasn't. And this happened.

Thirteen months ago City Park was full of hope and now it seems a symbol of our despair--taunting us and what our lives have become once more.

I don't want it to contaminate our lives but I don't know how to stop it.




18 comments:

Shell said...

Oh girl. I know this has to be so frustrating! I hope that you get some good news soon.

The Preppy Girl in Pink said...

I would drive to some remote place and just scream. That may seem childish but I swear it has helped me when I feel like I can't purge enough fast enough to even be able to breathe. It won't solve anything but it does let you get it out.
I'm keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Fritter said...

I think about you often and hope against hope that this is all going to be worth it in the end. I still feel that good is coming your way- you deserve it.

Diane said...

Wow. I didn't know. I just read your post from last week. I'm sure you're tired of hearing it but try to hang in there. You are so overdue for some good news and I pray you get it soon.

Robbie K said...

Thanks. We are ready for our luck to turn.

Robbie K said...

Thank you so much. I try to convince myself that the harder it is the more worthwhile it will be in the end. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Robbie K said...

I think I'm due for a good scream. I don't want it to ruin our life here because we were happy here and I think this is where we belong.

Robbie K said...

Thank you. All the support and words of encouragement here are what keeps me going.

Lillian Connelly said...

Hopefully with time and change the park will be a happy place again. I hope something good happens soon. You have been in my thoughts.

Stacie @ Snaps and Bits said...

Aw, so sorry Robbie. I want to read the post about the next awesome thing that happens - it will happen!!

Jennifer Gills said...

Aww crap. I am so sorry. Just read your last post about your hubs' job. I can't believe that happened. But you are strong and smart and you will get through this! You are overdue for good things to happen. Hang in there!

Rach (DonutsMama) said...

I can't imagine your frustration. I'd be angry too. I hope that your husband finds something great. It's too bad that a lot of people even have to go through the pain and frustration of a job loss, and especially after you left so much behind for this. I wish you and your family the best.

Kimberly said...

You have been through so much. I sure hope things turn around quickly for you. ((hugs))

Robbie K said...

Thanks so much for your kind words. Hoping it will be our happy place again too.

Robbie K said...

I'm hoping awesome things are just around the corner.

Robbie K said...

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I am hanging on tight.

Robbie K said...

Yes we are definitely feeling that way but trying to remember that when one door closes another opens.

Robbie K said...

Thank you. With all this bad luck we've been having it's bound to get better.