I feel the anxiety creeping in...slowly taking over.
I have trouble falling asleep.
I am jolted awake with a sense of panic.
How am I going to do THIS and THAT?
I am not trying to do it all.
I am just trying to get done what I can -but sometimes that even seems impossible.
The families I work with depend on me. I am helping them navigate the system. Helping them get a carseat. An immigration physical. Applying for Medicaid. Taking them to a food bank so they have enough to eat until their food stamp benefits are approved. Providing parenting classes in hopes they will get preschool children out of foster care and back into their homes.
My own family depends on me. To pack lunches and get them to school. To help with their homework and read together. To make dinner and drive to piano/jumprope/soccer practice. To wash clothes and sign permission forms.To be there when they need me.
I love the flexibility of my job. For the most part I work when I want. Much of the planning, paperwork and data entry can be done any time of day or night. I make home visits when it works for me and the families I work with.
This means I can take my kids to school, attend PTA meetings at noon (really who schedules PTA meetings at noon?), volunteer in the classrooms, serve as Room Parent. I can schedule a root canal at 9:15 on a Tuesday without getting anyone's approval.
However there are some meetings, trainings and other appointments that I have no say in scheduling. I am told when and where and expected to make accommodations. It is the trade off for the incredible flexibility. And when that happens I am screwed.
Big Yankee has a fantastic new job-an hour away- which means he can't run and pick the kids up from school or take an early dinner to take StinkBug to soccer practice. His hours are non traditional and as the new kid on the block he can't exactly start asking for special treatment.
I am left trying to manage juggle all the balls without any back up. Our nearest family is a ten hour drive and we don't know our neighbors. I'll be gone for a four day conference in November-only 2 of those days fall on Big Yankee's days off. I get knots in my gut trying to figure out what to do with the kids and where to turn.