If You Give a Mom Twelve Hours

If you give a mom twelve hours alone she will:

Spend forty five minutes on the computer doing nothing of significance

Then she will realize she should use her time wisely so she will go to the YMCA

When she gets to the YMCA she will think it's a good idea to spend ninety minutes on the treadmill even though she has barely seen the inside of the Y for the last two weeks

She'll leave the Y and realize she is thirsty and in desperate need of caffeine 

So she will stop at Helmart to buy liquid gold and then she will realize she in hungry

and she'll buy six tomatoes, a cucumber, and some crackers but forget the liquid hand soap that has been on the list all week

When she gets home she will make herself a Big Salad and decide she deserves to sit on her @ss for awhile to recover from her workout

After watching mindless tv she will remember that she would like to be somewhat productive today so she will search for her hot pink important notebook to write a to do list

While searching for her notebook she will find a Target gift card from her birthday (in September)

Finding the giftcard will remind her that she needs to buy her nephew a birthday present so she'll go to the mall

Going to the mall will remind her how much she despises going to the mall

So she will go to her Happy Place (HELLO TARGET!) and wander aimlessly for nearly two hours (while still forgetting the liquid hand soap that has been on the list for a week)

Wandering aimlessly for two hours will remind her that she needs a meat thermometer which she finds on clearance for $5.98

When she buys the meat thermometer she will hear her stomach rumble and realize that she is hungry and doesn't possess the emotional or physical strength to endure the grocery store 

So she'll drive to her favorite Thai place and see the CLOSED sign which will remind her that she has never eaten at the Thai place before so it probably isn't her favorite

When she realizes it isn't her favorite she'll drive home and decide to order pizza so she doesn't have to leave the comforts of her own home

Ordering pizza online will irritate her when she discovers a $2.50 delivery fee

The delivery fee will remind her that there's never a vacation from saving money so she will limp her over exercised, tired @ss to Pizza Hut

Walking in to Pizza Hut will remind her that the 70s are alive and well and she will start singing "Ah-ah-ah-ah Stayin' Alive!"

Singing the popular 70s tune will spur the realization that she ain't gettin' shit done today!