Saturday, February 16, 2013

Something More

It is 11:59 and I can't sleep. Or I won't sleep. This, despite being utterly exhausted and choking down Amazing Ambien.

Sitting in the brown micro suede recliner with a navy blue summer blanket covering my legs willing my brain to turn off. Damn brain has a will of her own!

I came out here to read. My abandoned paperback mocks me from the end table. A phone call on Wednesday punched me in the gut in a way I never could have imagined. 

I went in one day last week for a mammogram. I think it was a Monday. It didn't seem that significant-just another item on my never ending to do list. I moved some appointments around and went in to have my boobs squished. 

It wasn't that unpleasant. We talked about snowmobiling and Sun Valley and her most recent vacation as she shifted my girls into position. At her suggestion I met with the Breast Care Coordinator who showed me models and websites and pictures of various types of cancer. I walked out feeling knowledgeable and empowered though I didn't realize I'd been lacking.

I went about my day and the next day. Working, picking up kids, shuttling to soccer and piano, punishing them with personal hygiene demands to take a bath and brush their teeth. The constant frenzy of activities and responsibilities and life. I didn't give my boobs a second thought. That it would come back anything other than normal never crossed me mind.

I am the person who always says "we'll worry when we know there's something to worry about."

But the shock did me in. Consumed me

Sometimes I don't think about it at all. It's as if there isn't even a possibility-as if none of this ever happened. Sometimes I drive down the street crying because Tim McGraw's Live Like You Were Dying is blaring from the radio.

I sit here googling words and combinations of words I barely heard. 


This time next week I will know something. Something more than I do now. 

19 comments:

Mamarific said...

My heart goes out to you. I have not had this happen, but I do have a mammogram next week! I pray for a good result next week, and that you will have some peace and rest in the meantime. Waiting is the worst...

Treading Water in the Kiddie Pool said...

Oh no Robbie. I hope everything turns out okay. Hugs!

in the coop said...

I'm praying.

Lillian Connelly said...

Hang in there. A friend just had something small removed and three weeks of radiation and she is back to normal. I've got you in my prayers...praying you can turn your mind off and sleep too. xoxo

Robbie K said...

Thanks very much for your kind thoughts. I don't know why this has me freaking out so much. Have fun with your smashing appointment next week.

Robbie K said...

Thank you so much.

Robbie K said...

Thank you very much.

Robbie K said...

Thanks for your thoughts. I am glad things turned out well for your friend.

Kathleen Michiganleft said...

Oh, Robbie! I missed your other post. Sending prayers for good health, restored peace of mind and much-needed rest. Hugs to you, my friend.

Stephanie B. @B4Steph said...

I read your other post - Friday at 10 - so the week will be long, not knowing is the worst. Sending positive, good health thoughts your way. I've had this happen - the 'density' thing and it turned out to be nothing. Wishing you the same results! And a good night's sleep. xx

RACHEL TaoOfPoop said...

Oh, the worry is excruciating! I've been through it. Since you've googled, you are aware that some really high percentage (I don't remember how much) of things that are red flags turn out to be NOTHING! I know that probably doesn't help though. I am praying for you!

Stacie @ Snaps and Bits said...

Most times it's nothing! Sending positive thoughts your way Robbie!

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Robbie K said...

Thanks for your kind words and hugs!

Robbie K said...

Thanks! You are so right the waiting is the worst. i really appreciate your kind thoughts and am hoping for the same outcome as yours.

Robbie K said...

Thanks you. I am usually not a worrier over things beyond my control but this is getting to me.

Robbie K said...

Very glad to hear that yours turned out to be nothing. I am ready to get it over with....whatever the result. Thanks!

Dani Ryan said...

I trust you are okay?! Man. This stuff is so scary...