This roller coaster started with the callback and I worried about something more and then I was relieved.
I slip my right arm out of the top as Olga pushes buttons and looks at screens.
She doesn't make small talk and wants confirmation that I am not pregnant.
She hands me a clipboard and says sign here.
I check the boxes.
No I am not breastfeeding.
No I am not pregnant.
She lifts and shifts and positions me just so.
My hair is in the way and it will show.
Searching the depths of my gigantic black purse for a hair clip.
Twisting my too long curls and clipping it out of the way.
Does Olga even notice?
Don't breathe she says.
My eyes shift upwards to the window arch -admiring the dark stain of the wood.
Trying not to think about why I am here.
Time stands still and yet twenty minutes have passed.
We're done she says.
Don't change in case we need to do an ultrasound.
I grab the door handle, pausing for a minute to remember which way to go.
Why do I always get turned around inside, outside and everywhere?
You'll know something today she says quietly.
You'll know something very soon.
Sitting at the cool grid today with Yeah Write moonshine
I slip my right arm out of the top as Olga pushes buttons and looks at screens.
She doesn't make small talk and wants confirmation that I am not pregnant.
She hands me a clipboard and says sign here.
I check the boxes.
No I am not breastfeeding.
No I am not pregnant.
She lifts and shifts and positions me just so.
My hair is in the way and it will show.
Searching the depths of my gigantic black purse for a hair clip.
Twisting my too long curls and clipping it out of the way.
Does Olga even notice?
Don't breathe she says.
My eyes shift upwards to the window arch -admiring the dark stain of the wood.
Trying not to think about why I am here.
Time stands still and yet twenty minutes have passed.
We're done she says.
Don't change in case we need to do an ultrasound.
I grab the door handle, pausing for a minute to remember which way to go.
Why do I always get turned around inside, outside and everywhere?
You'll know something today she says quietly.
You'll know something very soon.
Sitting at the cool grid today with Yeah Write moonshine
6 comments:
I wish you all the best. I don't know your whole story, but I definitely related to the feelings in this post -- the worrying, the wishing things were simpler. I pray you find some peace.
I am worried about you. :( WIll try to catch up to you soon.
Ugh. I had to have one for reasons other than "normal" check up. The waiting is the worst. I'll be praying yours turn out like mine... normal!
Did you get your results??
I hate the doctor's office. Waiting for results for this kind of stuff is so scary. I hope the results were what you wanted.
My biggest fear. Well, second biggest fear. My biggest is leaving my kids behind which is why I stand up to the other fear of the doctor. Best to you that it all turns out normal.
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