Marriage is Scary

Marriage is hard. Extremely hard.

It's not all pretty.

In fact, it can get pretty ugly at times.

I found this quote which pretty much sums it up:

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.
                                                                                                                                ~ Doug Larson


Big Yankee and I are on our 13th year of happily ever after. Yeah, lucky 13. Looking back over the years we've had some of the better and some of the worse. These last four years-they feel like someone trucked in an oversize load of worse and dumped it on us.

We are making it...barely at times. Struggling to communicate across thousands of miles through texts, phone calls and an occasional email. Trying to share the burdens that can't really be transported across time and space.

Both of us trying to give to the other when we are sucked bone dry. Both of us are scared shitless of the what ifs-what if our house doesn't sell? what if my unemployment runs out before we move? what if it happens again? what if? Wondering how much longer our family will survive this kind of life without breaking in two...or two thousand pieces.

And then I feel guilty and selfish for feeling this way. Separations are a way of life for military families. And they have the added stress of putting their lives on the line.

Why I Waited Until the Last Minute

I am always late to the party.

I suffer from hype-aversion. Urban Dictionary defines it as:

Rejection of an insanely popular idea, game, show, place etc. simply because it is so insanely popular.

Remember back in October--waaaay before Halloween when Christmas threw up in the aisles of Helmart? That pissed me off. Really sucked the holiday spirit right outta me. It did exactly opposite what retailers hoped for...it made me NOT. WANT. TO. SHOP.

Black Friday? Why the heck would I get up before the butt crack of dawn (no offense Dawn) to be pushed and shoved by crazy @$$ sleep deprived, heavily caffeinated, roving pack of wolves shoppers. It is JUST STUFF!

Cyber Monday? I was THIS CLOSE to being sucked in. I almost joined their reindeer games. And then I remembered that my first tier of unemployment had expired and I had yet to be approved for the next round. It's hard to get excited about spending money when you aren't sure if you'll have any.


My luck changed last week when I was approved for the next tier. I breathed a huge sigh of relief...I probably even cried. I was READY TO SHOP. I had been makings lists, checking them twice, comparing prices and filling my cyber carts.


A major downside of this commuter marriage gig is that I have no back-up. I am literally with my children every moment of every day and four year olds are not good at keeping secrets. I have no child care. No family in town. I may have been able to rustle up a teenage sitter but that meant less money to spend of gifts. People aren't exactly jumping at the chance to take on three monkeys who don't belong to them. And while I am often the first to jump in and offer to help I am not so good at the asking for help thing.


When my parents announced they were driving up for Einstein's first band concert last week we both jumped for joy. They planned on coming mid-morning to hang with StinkBug and pick up the other 2 monkeys from school so I could shop till I dropped.


And then Dad woke up at 3 am puking. He was going to rest for awhile, drink some ginger ale and then attempt the two hour drive. Then his pulse was going a little nuts and Mom said she'd try to talk him into going to the clinic if it didn't slow down. They had some scary health issues this past year and we aren't taking chances.


I told them to stay home. We were all disappointed. They felt like they were letting us down. Einstein was going to be heart-broken. I wasn't going to be able to buy Christmas presents. I told them I would figure something out.


Dad was feeling better and emailed me that he would come up on Tuesday. I didn't tell the kids this time...in case it didn't work out. I'm not so good with the disappointment tears lately...maybe because I am shedding them myself?


Listening to the five day forecast on Monday I felt a lump rising in my throat...rain, ice, snow. I started freaking the hell out trying to devise a back-up plan. The plan consisted of me freaking the hell out while calmly telling Big Yankee that it would all work out because IT HAD TO. Because I didn't want him to feel guilty being so far away and not being able to do anything about it. Because his plane didn't land until Christmas Eve and there was nothing he could do about it. Late Monday a friend posted on Bitchslap FaceBook that her parents were stranded in New Mexico as roads leading home were closed. I distracted myself on Twitter in an attempt to avoid curling up in the fetal position and crying myself to sleep.


By Tuesday morning the torrential downpour had slowed to a trickle. The temperature gauge in the Quest read 34. After taking the kids to school and setting StinkBug up with his LeapFrog dvd I made beds, started some laundry & unloaded the dishwasher with tears trickling down my face. The guilt of yet another lousy Christmas memory was more than I could handle.


And then the phone rang. Roads were clear, weather warming up more than expected. Dad said he would be here by 11:30.


And that is why I waited until the last minute to shop.

Q & A

Why Fractured Family Tales?
Because I am the mom and I get to name it!  It describes our current family situation, it's something I write about often and I feel it goes a long way in defining me...at least for right now. In October 2010 we had to make the life changing decision to split our family up in order to keep our lives from falling completely apart. And this is our story. (Cue Law and Order music)

Isn't it hard?
Hell yes it is but parenting and life is about making hard choices. We feel this is the only choice that makes sense for our family right now. We never expected to be living like this 13 months later but much has happened and this is where we are.

How often do you get to see each other?
Not often enough! Since Big Yankee moved 1231 miles away in August we have seen him once...for 3 1/2 days. Our current financial situation and his job duties make it impossible for him to come home for Thanksgiving. He will be here for Christmas though and we are all counting the days! In the previous 7 1/2 months before that we were able to see each other MOST weekends. Big Yankee lived 2 hours away and stayed with other family members during the week.

Isn't is hard on the kids?
Can I get another Hell yeah? We haven't had a "normal" living situation for the past 13 months. There have been many, challenging transitions due to jobs, health, finances and logistics in general. For three months I lived here with two kids while WOH FT and Big Yankee lived in another state with StinkBug (3 1/2 at the time) worked and lived with family. Next he lived with all three kids in a family members house and I lived alone. That lasted for about a month and then a family emergency resulted in Stink Bug moving back with me and Big Yankee, Einstein and Peanut living out of state. Then of course there was this summer when we were both laid off and we ALL lived under the same roof for ten weeks....four of which we spent traveling across country. We have had our house on and off the market for the last 8 1/2 months. Yeah....good times.

 Do you have any help?
We have very supportive family who do whatever they can to help. Unfortunately we don't have anyone that lives locally so there isn't the day in day out on site help. We take weekend trips to see family as circumstances allow. I am so grateful for my amazing dad and brother who go the extra mile to give the kids a hands on male role model since Big Yankee isn't able to be here.

What do you blog about?
I am just getting started so who knows what all I will write about. Some of the things I write about now are:

*my family
*parenting
*unemployment
*surviving in a commuter marriage
*early childhood
*gifted children

So what else do you want to know?

Dear Blog

Dear Sweet Blog,

I am truly sorry I have been neglecting you for such a long time. When I started you I had plans for us..grand plans...I was going to write, write, write!  Certainly not daily..I know my limitations and procrastinations.(You won't find THAT word in any dictionary..I made that up...see how creative i am?). I thought I could manage 3 posts a week at least to start. Sure I might make a lot of lists at the beginning but those still count right? I was going to take advantage of my unemployment status and having 2 of 3 kids at school much of the day. I was going to start living the fantasy "what I would do if I wasn't working."

What happened you ask? Well life got in the way. Being a single parent to 3 kids, in a commuter marriage, trying to get a house back up for sale, and a BEST FRIEND diagnosed with cancer, adjusting to the isolation of unemployment, financial issues...well it was just too much. Some days I barely make it through. It seems like the tunnel goes on forfreakingever and there isn't even a hint of light. Other days I have fun and bask in the glory of my new found freedom. Take a nap at 10 am.? If you insist. Spend hours on the internet just because I can? Yes please. Glitter paint with my boy, eat playdough ice cream cones and make muffins? Those are the best days.

 For now I am just going to try to get through the bad days, make the most of the great ones and write about it along the way. I'd love to have you along for the ride.